or this one:
And call me crazy, but I don't think Rachel Zoe "melts" over ANY of these:
You see my point? When I look at prom dresses, I don't see bad-ass, spiked & studded red rose, like I'd like to.. I see more of a double-frilled daffodil with extra qryndolyn on the side. Like seriously, gtfo. I want something truly glamourous. Something that makes me look like Betsey Johnson's brain threw up on me, not the cashier at Dollar General. After a lot of trial and error (I've been to 5 proms and looked stunning at each and every one), I've learned some tricks to looking flawless at my prom. Rules that I keep in mind to keep the tacky factor to a minimum, and the glam through the fucking ceiling.
1. DON'T SHOP AT PROM DRESS WEBSITES, BRIDAL DRESS STORES, OR DEPARTMENT STORE PROM DRESS RETAILERS. These places are the #1 places to go if you also plan on writing "Sears: A good life at a cheap price." across your forehead in a color that matches your lipstick, and receive a coupon in the mail. Try shopping at retailers that offer more metropolitan, boutique-styled dresses to give your ensemble an over-all more polished look. Urban Outfitters party dresses scream "superstar", whereas David's Bridal whispers how hard you tried and how fucking excited you are that you could find a pair of ≥3-inch heels that were coincidentally the exact same turquoise as the beads on the trim of your dress. But seriously, where you shop could be the difference between this:
AND THIS
(I can only hope you can tell which is the right choice)
2. IF YOU MUST SHOP AT ANY OF THOSE PLACES, DON'T PICK THE HEAVIEST DRESS IN THE STORE. The dress with the most ruffles, beads, chains, and cut-outs isn't the best dress. By NO means is it the best dress. It's actually probably the worst dress. Simplicity is key in a formal event. Less is always more, unless more is more. Dresses with a lot of shit on them (beads/sequins) need to be a.) authentic vintage or b.) extremely short. They should also be a neutral color like black, white, or grey. Colors look like much too much when you add beads and sequins.
(Again, I can only hope for the best in you knowing which is exquisite and which is enraging)
3. RECOGNIZE THAT HAIR-THIN LINE BETWEEN APPEALING & APPALLING AND SEXY & SKEEZY. I know you hear this all the time, but it's true. Then, you'd probably think that wouldn't even come up in a conversation about prom dresses, but you'd be surprised. If it's backless, it can't be too short or strapless. If it has cut-outs, it must be close-necked or have sleeves of some grade. If it's cut lower than your boob-line, it's GOT TO have sleeves (if it's short) or it's got to have length (if its strapless). Make sure your boobs actually fit too. I'm a 34C, with a 38-booty, and a 28 waist. I always have to buy a size up and get it tailored. Do that if necessary. Shoes are meant to be strappy, not dresses, and unless you're a 2, strappy dresses will expose you on the love-handle end everytime, so NO STRAPS. If you're in that size two category and a dress looks very edgy and it happens to be strappy, sequins on the straps trump the fact that it's "edgy". That makes it oogly. Don't buy it.
4. YOUR SHOES CAN'T BE THE SAME COLOR AS YOU DRESS. They also can't be the same color as the last color vertically detected on your dress, the same print/pattern as your dress, or the same color as your dress' dominant color. I know that sounds complex, but not really. Basically, if you wear a leopard dress, don't wear leopard shoes. If you wear a dress with a pink corset top and navy blue bottom, you better not wear navy blue shoes. Last but not least, If you have on a yellow dress with a grey bow accent, you need to wear grey shoes, not yellow shoes. Also, if your dress has more than one color in it, you are required to wear one of the accent colors. If your dress is black and white, simultaneously, you need to wear red shoes to keep it classic. Short blue dresses deserve red pumps, and any other colors deserve a shoe in a complimentary color.
5. BAGS NEED TO BE SMALL, AND EASY TO CARRY AROUND. I mean, there's not much to a prom-bag. Like, you obviously don't take a satchel to prom. Lol. You should take a small (or large) solid-color clutch for patterned dresses, or a solid (or even patterned) mini-messenger for solid dresses. Your bag can't match your shoes unless they're black, white, or silver. No leather, denim, or linen. Satin bags are very simple and refined. They add a very formal flare to any prom gown.
& That's about it! Remember to go out to eat before and after prom. Get your hair done the day of. It's acceptable to get your nails done the night before. Don't get long ghetto nails. Don't eat heavy before, you'll risk ruining your dress.
And as for AFTER PROM?
Safe sex is the best sex.. but NO sex is the best way to ensure lack of pregnancy and a series of mystery STDs.
I'd also like to give a special shout-out to our friends over at Ghetto Prom Dresses for inspiring such a potentially influential post.
In this post I mentioned several don'ts, and almost no do's. So, here's a couple of helpful links to appropriate dresses, shoes, nail designs, and bags.
Dress Sites:
Shoes:
Bags:
Nails:
There you are, for any questions and shit.. e-mail or comment! :) Thanks, buh-bye.
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